Issues
January 2025 Issue
Article Archive
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Kids’ Safety Organization Promotes Accepting Candy from Strangers at Night as “Perfectly Safe”
'I would never let my kids do something like this... unless it 's October 31st '
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MECK: The Principal Curse
New principal at Mackenzie: fourth change in 2 years. Is it a curse??
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The Flounder Here, Your One and Only Source into the Scandalous Lives of America’s Elite
“Ronald Dump says he will ban being a Democrat upon being elected” - DJ Vance probably
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Widespread Panic As Cats and Dogs Discover the Truth: Opinions From Experts
'They 're eating the WHAT???'
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TDSB Announces Decision to Ban Google From Its WI-FI
'Google Classroom? Back in my day, we had a real classroom in a real school. Not this wishy-washy Google stuff you hear of today,'TDSB Congressman, age 86, says.
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'Wheel of Careers 'Mackenzie Game Show Launched to Help Undecided Gr.12s
Students create a new game show to help reluctant Gr. 12s choose a career path. Also local media gets involved.
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Report Card Day
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Teachers to Introduce Subway Surfer Gameplay on Display During Class to Help boost attention rates
Toronto schools use Subway Surfer gameplay for boosted attention. Split-screen learning shows unprecedented engagement; r/AITA rewriting plans most effective.
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Nord VPN
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Current Mural Plans Mysteriously Replaced By Massive Image of Flounder
School mural reference sheets replaced with poor flounder drawings; outrage ensues. Security camera footage dismissed as coincidence. Students submit better flounder images for mural.
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Students Overjoyed at New Late Start Schedule
Mazkenzie changes late start to start 5 minute early; students love the new challenge.
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Five Minute Alarms to be Added to Hall Passes
Mackenzie implements alarms into hall passes to catch students skipping class, causing uproar amongst the student body.
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Grades 13 Returns to Compensate for Years of COVID-Generated Student Slacking
Grade 13 aims to deflate high school marks to provide an equitable high school experience.
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AI Joke
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One Billion Lions vs. The Flounder
The battle of the century
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Mackenzie Through The Years
'We shall discusseth our plans for the grand weeketh of spirit '- Julius Caesar, former President of the Mackenzie Student Council
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LET’S GO, LYONS! - And Flounders?
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The Flounder Is Cut In Half Due to a Lack of Ideas
“*Vertically. You really cut the paper in half **vertically**. Who the*"
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Bill C-11
Possibly not a good idea
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World Cup
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Therapy Flounder Brought in to Alleviate Stress
“Why care about school when you can touch the flounder?”
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The Rat
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Mackenzie Utilizes Revolutionary Technique to Conquer the Evils of the Season
“Modern problems require modern solutions”
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The Flounder Announces New NFT Collection
10,000 unique “Phish and Chips” digital collectibles will be released at a starting price of $69,420.
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MSC constructs nuclear bombs to ensure shorter winters
Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?
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CAD/Bonus Mark Exchange Rate Skyrockets in Economic Recession
Everyone is ready to cash in on those “hard earned” bonus marks
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Flounder writers to be replaced by Artificial-Intelligence
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Student begins to float after forgetting to account for gravity on their physics test
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$1,000,000 Bathroom Investment to Revolutionize the Number 2 Experience
Wiping my tears with cash is so 2022.
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Winter Anatomy
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The Worms
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TDSB Ecstatic Over Record High Pass Rate on EQAO
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TDSB Announces Selection for Sports Teams Will Now Be Done Via Lottery to Promote Equity
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Quizzes and Tests to Be “Self-Graded” to Keep Marks Fully Private and Confidential
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Teachers To Allow Only Online Messaging (No Talking) During Class To 'Keep the Noise Levels Down '
Teachers embrace technology in a desperate attempt to “shut those kids up
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December 2022 Issue
Flounder issue of December 2022
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Winning Class for the Food Drive Gets a Gourmet Buffet Lunch Reward
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High School Students Discover Shocking Information About Flounder Fish
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The Halloween Hustle: A Practical Guide to Candy Scalping
Featuring Business Prodigy Trist Coan
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I Wanna Do That
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Valentine Woes
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Students Turn off Cameras to Stop the Spread of New Omicron Variant
Safety first, learning much further down the list.
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Snow Day?
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School Day Officially Changes to “Night Shift” to Better Match Students’ Sleep Schedules
“Our priority has always been to best accommodate our students.”
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Student considering spending rest of life in a remote cottage in a Nordic country after being denied from the Toronto Public Library’s 'Leading to Reading 'volunteer program
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4 Main Stages of Inflation
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Same Old
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Don 't Worry, He Doesn 't Bite
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Culminating Spree
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Students and teachers are no longer allowed to have cameras on as concerns about equitable treatment of the visually impaired arise
Now coming at you in 0k
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TDSB Wi-Fi
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Student-run team takes over hiring process for staff
Averages skyrocket to 145%, leading the nation 's education system.
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Spot the Differences!
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New Spider Terrorization Tactics are Effectively Increasing Productivity
How much is the increase in productivity? It’s over 9000%!
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Short Stairs for Short People
The first step to a better Mackenzie.
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Praying for Our School
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Plain Misbehaviour or Something Deeper? Student Explains How Locked Washrooms Prove the Mackenzie Swimming Pool Exists
Facts don’t care about your feelings, and the fact is that the pool has always been there.
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Nice Fermented Vegetables
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Students With Faces in Hands as Midterm Marks Distributed
The darn kids are not taking COVID seriously
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Class Competitions
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Zroom Approves of Move to Remote Learning
"The Ministry of Education truly cares about its students."
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Mackenzie Announces Formation of Third Newspaper Because "Two Is Not Enough "
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THE BIG PICTURE
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Teacher Denies Virtual Student Access to Washroom
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Doug Ford Announces Privatization of Toronto District School Board
Experts are confused, economists are happy, and Doug REFUSES to hesitate...
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Summer Break Priorities
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New Student Council President Makes Mackenzie Great Again
"God I love democracy,"said Barsh Bharma, after winning the student council president elections in a (literal) landslide.
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Online Class Embarassment
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Official Rules of Chess Modified to Include More Physical Violence after Protest at Mackenzie
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Unemployment Projections Increase 2000% After Mackenzie Class Fails Colouring Assignment
"This will cause the greatest economic disaster humanity has ever seen."
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A Typical Easter
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New Report From Internal Watchdog Estimates Photo Day Delays to Last Until 2025
Ministries provide conflicting responses...
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This Month in Pictures
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TDSB Cancels Exams After Lack of Cheating at Mackenzie Deemed "Suspicious "
Mackenzie is calling on students to begin cheating again and put an end to their suspicious behaviour.
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The Life Cycle of a Forgotten Easter Egg
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TDSB Attracts International Attention For Mysterious COVID-19 Situation
"This simply is beyond modern medicine,"says one Harvard doctor.
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Mackenzie unveils new Cleaning technology
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Mackenzie Virtual Lockdowns Improves Virtual Class Safety
"Finally student safety is a priority,"one virtual student told us.
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Mackenzie Instituting New "Virtual Hallways "Between Zoom Classes
"We hear you loud and clear,"says administration in response to student body 's declining mental health
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TDSB Schools Remain Open During Light Snowfall
"By any reasonable standards, last night 's squall was exceptionally mild."
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OBAMA Becomes The World’s Leading Mining Industrial Conglomerate
"Why earn gold stars when you can earn gold bars?", says Mynkrapht Steev, a Mackenzie student turned minor miner.
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1 Year Ago Today Memories
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Long Story Short
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Classifieds
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Webcams Suspiciously Breaking All Across Mackenzie
An in-depth investigation
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Valentine 's Day
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Valentine 's Day Expectations VS Reality
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Valentine 's Day
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Mackenzie Social Distancing Policies Put in Place Due to Gum-Related Injuries
"I now know how it feels to chew 5 gum… painful,"says Yom Ama, a bubblegum abuse victim.
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Last Day of School Year Designated as Mental Wellness Day
"There was just no other day to fit it in.
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Gardening Club Arrested For Illegal Drug Production
"They used to grow all kinds of flowers. Now they only seem to grow poppies."
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Fish
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What are you going to do? Give Me Detention?
Yes.
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Mackenzie Teachers Innovating New Anti-Cheating Measures
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Mackenzie Kills Two Birds With One Stone; Fights Climate Change and Gets AC
Student walks inside from the snowy outdoors, "s*** it 's cold in here!"
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TDSB Invites New Therapy Animal!
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TDSB Implements New Supervision Policies for Virtual Classes
"They could be having private conversations!"
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An Open Letter
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Mackenzie Administration Commended After New Fundraising Initiative
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Gym Class
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Quarantine Goals: Before and After
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The Flounder Labeled "Fake News Media "by the Lyon, Hallway Brawl Ensues
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Quarantine From a Dog 's Perspective
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Virtual Class
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TDSB Wins First Ever Nobel Peace Prize For an Error Page
Improving our world one step at a time
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Mackenzie Student Sets New World Record For Longest Time Without Sleep
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Students Shocked at New Restroom Policy
"We 're all pissed "
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Lois
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Mackenzie Locker Size Protest Cancelled Due to Equipment Being Stuck in Lockers
"We were after locker space, not a void in space,"says protest leader, Chirag Gupta
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Universities Adopt Handwashing as Number 1 Factor for Admission
Geric Mrtler, co-president of T of U says "the future of the workforce, reputation of our university, and the entire education system really isn 't worth all that much."
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The Flounder Fashion Fad
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Flounder Cannibal
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Asynchronous in a Nutshell
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Demand for accounting classes skyrockets after addition of Tax Fraud unit
"I 'm so glad that school is finally teaching us something practical."
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Vaping population at Mackenzie drops below 0%
"Future trends, we decided, should be considered negative,"said the Official Mackenzie Statistic Fabricator.
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Mackenzie alumni 's creative bridge design nominated for environmental innovation awards
"Aren 't bridges supposed to be made with popsicle sticks?"
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New trash system of 2.6 million bins to simplify Mackenzie 's three bin policy
"After all, not everybody can properly sort their waste—it 's just too difficult sometimes."
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Leadership struggle causes the collapse of "Club President 's Club "
Some insist that the club never existed in the first place. Perhaps it is for the best that we do the same.
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Students adopt alternative optimised study schedule
You can 't have disruptions to your study schedule if you don 't study at all.
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Students Want School Uniforms For Custodial Strike
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Mackenzie mascot to be replaced with real lion
"[Screams] It 's got my leg,"says mascot trainer.
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"O Canada "modified to begin with twenty seconds of silence
Silence a welcome space for students to self-reflect and check their phones.
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Mackenzie doubles height of hallways to alleviate congestion
Students now travel the halls one on top of another in an orderly fashion.
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Falling EQAO scores prompt Mackenzie to change school motto
Students plan on "getting the first fifteen correct."
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Cafeteria staff to purchase beach house with profit from plastic utensils
"It 's warmer in Jamaica,"says one staff member.
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Administration to crack down on dabbing
New regulation comes after claims that the action poses a safety hazard and decreased brain activity.